~Adjusting~

Hailey just turned six months. She is so darn cute! She is also a lot of work. I think my brother, Scotty, and I have really appreciated our mother a little bit more. Any women is crazy to have 7 children. I could never have that many children. Hailey has developed a little personality. She is very demanding and requires constant attention and human interaction. I leave her to play with her toys so that I can go and wash her bottles. She watches me leave the room and once I'm out of sight she starts complaining. I go and pic her up and see if we can wash the bottles together. We kinda do this routine a lot. She helps me change the laundry, watches me vacuum, brush my teeth, blow dry my hair , and put on makeup. It's actually fun watching her expressions with all the things she sees me do. My favorite is the vacuum. Not only does she watch me do things she wants to actually do it with me. She's grabbing EVERYTHING. I love when she sees one of my curls hanging from my face so she tries to grab it. She has to concentrate harder to grab something that small and it's fun to know that she doesn't give up until she has it in her hands. Speaking of never giving up....Brian and I have recently introduced the sippy cup. She's not sure what to do with it, but the other day, Brian and I quietly watched her try and figure it out. It was amazing that she didn't become frustrated with it when the sippy part isn't the same as her bottle nipple. Sleeping isn't her biggest strength. She doesn't think she needs naps. She fights sleeping because I think she's afraid that she will miss something. She is so nosey. She's constantly looking around and very alert. I'm actually hoping that Brian and I have changed some behavior because 4 days after letting her scream for a significant amount of time when putting her into bed for the night she has yet to really cry anymore. Listening to her scream is the worst. She loves to giggle. She's ticklish around her neck and on the sides of her tummy. She's just started to sit up independently and eat baby food. She seems to like sweet potatoes at the moment. She has no interest in rolling over. I think she would like to skip that step and just walk. For her six month pics she just wanted to stand so that's how we have her pics taken. She's standing with my hands supporting her. She's very moody. She has one of the cutest smiles, but it can switch very quickly to lots of crying. For the most part I think she's pretty easy to figure out what's wrong. It's just exhausting. I returned back to work in the middle of October. It's now almost February and I still feel like I don't have anything together. I'm used to feeling like I have things "together." What ever that means. I have yet to understand what my new "normal" is. Everything physically, emotionally, and mentally has changed. I actually don't feel like the same person. I think I've completely lost who I am. So in order to remain somewhat sane, my favorite thing to do is go to the movies by myself. I also really enjoy going to church and going to class. It gives me a sense of rejuvenation. However, what I would really like to do is go swim several laps. There is nothing better than being in the water. It's like a whole different world. My body has physically changed a lot. I lost what I think is a lot of weight. I kinda needed to do this. The only thing is that I'm not obsessed with how much I weight, but how I feel. I really don't have a clue what my weight is. For anyone that cares, weight watchers helped me out! My mom has always been a big fan of this program so I thought I would give it a try. I was really sold on it being a lifestyle change, not a diet. The only thing that sucks, is that I have no clothes that fit. I also don't have tons of money to go buy new clothes. Probably the worst part of dealing with my whole body image is how much my boobs have changed. I swear that once I'm done having children (Brian and I want two) I will be getting boob enhancements. I absolutely was not prepared for what breastfeeding and engorgement would've done to them. Kylee and I have plans to do this together. I was actually thinking of starting a support group on how to deal with this issue. Anyone want to sign up????? Mentally and emotionally things have been difficult. My issue is that I have high expectations, low tolerance, not enough patience all wrapped in a ball of being high strung. I'll blame it on not enough sleep. I'm actually moody, which I never really was. I want things a certain way. What I really need to do is go with the flow! Ya, that's never going to happen. Everything I do is based on how Hailey will act and how she will handle it. I also think part of my frustration is I feel my life has done a 180 and Brian's continues to remain the same. I actually thought I was pretty selfless, but I crave the need for some alone time. However, if or when I'm alone I think about what Hailey may be doing. I often feel guilty for some of my feelings considering that It took so long to get Hailey in my life. I continue to not really want to share her. My time with her is on the weekends so it's hard to give that time up for anything else. I would never change what I'm going through for anything else. I just wished I felt more confident about things and could find a way to relax and not feel that things have to be perfect. The good thing is that several friends of mine have recently become first time mothers so I have other females being able to relate to what I'm feeling. Thanks Ladies!

Hailey's Six Months

Thought I would post some new pics...She's so adorable!

Nanny Leslie

This picture kinda says it all! Anyone that can take what could be a stressful situation and turn it into a Kodak moment has a lot of patients and fun. Leslie has been watching Hailey two days a week since I've returned to work in the middle of October. Let me tell ya, this has been very exciting for me. Not only has she taken care of Hailey, but if she has time she will wash her clothes or our towels. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to have family care for my little bundle of joy! It's been amazing to see how maternal Leslie is and how well she's adapted to caring for someone that is so demanding. I think she's had a lot of practice dealing with so many crazy customers in the retail world. Taking care of a baby is probably the easiest task. Brian often comes home before I do from work to relieve Les from her nanny duties. I remember Brian laughing while telling me that he came home with Leslie laying next to Hailey, both on their backs, and Leslie reading a book to Hailey. My mom said that Leslie would call her with Hailey screaming wondering if she needed to try anything else to calm her down. Today, Leslie went to Hailey's 4 month doctor appointment. Hailey had to get shots and be poked and prodded by her doctor, which she is never excited about. Les has been a very good support! Thanks sis....Love ya :)

Emmy Lou

When I was little I really wanted to have another sister. I prayed and prayed for God to grant me a little sister. What I really wanted to do was dress her up like she was a doll. My sister Emily is 8 years younger than me. She was born on July 4th! I was so excited when she was born. My mom gave birth to all of us, except the twins, at home. I remember my grandma or dad waking me up in the middle of the night telling me that my little sister was born. It was pretty crazy to think that what I prayed for came true. All my siblings are unique in their own way and have beautiful souls. Emily is special. She has a personality of a firecracker, who hates sharing her birthday with everyone else in America, has the ability to light up a room, and overwhelm someone like my husband. Anyone who knows Em's has a story to tell about her. She's spicey in her own little way. She's a survivor through anger and madness. One of the things that I cherish about Emily is her ability to allow me to see things differently and not have the feeling of being judged or become defensive. Attached to this blog is a letter from Em's. She may hate me for posting it,but it was beautiful and people need to understand what a beautiful soul she is.
Hi Ceecee, so I always love our little random chats that last like an hour, there so wonderful... Anyways, after we talked I thought a lot about what you said, and about Hailey.For a while I worried a lot about you and not being able to get pregnant, but then I felt like it was all for a reason, and just like that the worrying stopped. I felt like God had made you wait, to teach you just what real patients and trust is and best of all, how much fun being disorganized really can be!So when Hailey is screaming, and you get that overwhelming feeling where you feel like you have to take control and fix the problem ASAP, just take a deep breathe, look into that wide open wailing mouth and giggle. Giggle at Hailey for needing and wanting you so much, and embrace her with a smile, embrace the organization that flew out the door!! Don't stress yourself out so much, and feel like your missing something, because that is the exact reason why God made you wait. You aren't missing a thing. It's the Caralee who works at top speed to fix a problem, or take someone elses stress and tries to make it your own in hopes of brightening a person's day. This Caralee, though a beautiful side of you, is I feel the reason you needed to be taught a lesson by God. And to have God make you wait for something so special is such a treat.The thought of it makes me laugh. Hailey doesn't cry while in the car with Brian, and Hailey will scream for hrs with Leslie, but the second you pick up that baby and hold her the way she's been waiting for, then suddenly she takes a deep breathe and looks in your eyes, gives you a smile, and like you said, puts her tiny little fingers in her mouth.God made you a mom, and God made you wait for it, for some reason. Motherhood is such a learning process, filled with happiness, dissapointment, nerves, laughter, hugs, smiles, and so on and so forth. Embrace it all Caralee. Don't think about the ppl around you and worry about what they may think about a screaming baby. Laugh, say, "yeah, she is a girl who knows what she wants, the problem is that she can't talk yet, but we'll find out soon enough." Then show us just how well you soothe her.At Kristy's shower, I could tell that you felt like the world was looking at you. That you felt like her crying was annoying other people, and irritating. Well, I'm here to say, as an observer. It was really magical watching you calm her down. Within seconds of me handing her over to you, she settled down, and the same with Nina. The thing that worried me, was that your face looked so worried, like you were thinking too much. OBVIOUSLY I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM! But if only you could have looked up and seen everyone watching you mother her... And now after typing that, the answer seems so clear.You are a problem solver, and you are a teacher, and you are a women who just went from organized to disorganized, a very complicated thing to have thrown in your face. Teach us Caralee. When mom holds her, and she cries, and she hands her off all mad. Take moms hand, look at mom, and teach her something. Prove to her that she taught you well, because that is what she is looking for. Say to mom. "You are Hailey's grandma, and it is important to me for Hailey to enjoy cuddling with the person that taught me so much, and helped me grow into a positive strong person." Then show her how you calm her down. Teach us Caralee! How are we suppose to ever know, unless you show us how? For example I was talking to Scotty, and he wanted me to talk to Jaiden, so I said stuff like, "hi Jaiden, it's auntie Emily, blah blah blah." You know what Scotty did, he told me, "no, no, no, Emily, you have to bark or growl, he doesn't know what your saying." So I barked and growled, and what I got in return was a laughing growling barking Jaiden. It was really special being taught by Scotty. He embraced his fatherhood and taught me how to speak to Jaiden, with a bark and a growl.Just try it. Next time your hanging with friends or what have you, and someone is holding Hailey across the room from you. The second Hailey starts crying for you, stay put Caralee. Look across the room, and say, "do you need help? If you cradle her like this... then she'll hopefully calm down, try it." And if they craddle her the way she wants, and the way you know it, and she stops crying, that person will look up at you and be astonished. And if Hailey continue's to cry, walk on over, and personally show us yourself, then let us try. Show us how much you've learned, the outcome could be a settling mind for you Caralee, and that satisfaction that you know best. Embrace it!

Daddy's Little Angel

Who says that baby's sleep when they're traveling in a car. Definately not mine! However, Brian says that she always sleeps in the car with him. This is a look at Hailey after driving from Stevens Point to Milwaukee. Notice the red eye lids, blotched eye brows, and puffy eye balls! Hailey has never been partial to sitting and being confined in her carseat. She screamed for an hour straight. I was hopeful a couple of times when she stopped, but she was only preparing her lungs for a louder and pitchier sound. She got a lot of exercise because her legs and arms were flailing. Her lungs have developed perfectly, but I am a bit worried about her throut. I did stop at a rest stop to relieve her tears and frustration. I took her out of the car seat, sat her on my lap, gave her a hug and kiss, and asked her if she's alright. She looked up at me with her baby blues, stuck her fingers in her mouth while making a cooing noise and gave me a BIG smile. Needless to say, we shortly started off on our adventure back home. Several seconds later, the crying began. Ugh.....Hailey has quiet a personality. She's very strong-willed and knows what she wants and will reach the limit to try and get it. If you would ask my mom or her Aunt Leslie to describe Hailey in one word, it would be "busy." She's constantly in need of being entertained and stimulated. She knows when no one is around her and loves hearing the sound of her noises. I don't believe that baby's get spoiled because you can never give them enough love and affection.

Hailey's three months!

Hailey is three months old! I dont think I'll ever get over how fast time goes by. I've returned to work, which has been difficult, but overall it's been a good transition. Hailey spends her time with Auntie Leslie two days a week and Grandma and Grandpa Hammerling the other two days a week. She also gets to play with cousins Anthony and Brooklyn during the week. I have Friday's off so that's when we get to catch up on missed time together! Hailey has become more noisy and continues to be interactive with her smiles. She's very nosey and likes to be held upright where she can see everything. She continues to enjoy her Baby Einstein activity mat and is starting to reach and grab toys that are hanging from it. She's been sleeping well at night in her big crib and still loves her baths. I think she will keep her eye color, which may turn out to be the same color as my dad's eyes. She's been to a lot of different places; the Zoo, parks, Concordia University to help out a motor development class, church, shopping, mommy and daddy's work, play dates with some of my friends kids (little Sam, Aoife, and Hannah), and of course visiting family in Stevens Point and Milwaukee. She continues to want and need everything her way and I have a funny feeling that may never change. My favorite thing to do with her is giving baths and dancing with her to music. Her favorite artist so far is Casting Crowns. Brian loves when she gets dressed up in Miami or Brewer outfits for gameday! She is very excited about her new cousin, Levi, in Australia and can't wait to play with Levi and Jaiden someday. She gets a lot of love from her cousins in Milwaukee; Aaron, Sydney, Andrew, Anthony, and Brooklyn. She is our pride and joy and we thank God everyday that she is in our lives.

The Inevitable

I have approximately a week until I have to return to work. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! It's amazing at how anxious I feel about this next step. The hardest part is knowing that Im choosing not to spend every waking hour with my daughter. I have to ask myself often, "Is it worth going back to work?" Nothing else really matters in life except your family. I shouldn't be complaining because Brian and I have been blessed with fantastic family that is willing to take time out of their life and care for Hailey. My sister, Leslie, is watching her two days a week and my mother-in-law is watching her the other two days a week and I don't have to work Friday's at this point in time. I couldn't imagine how I would be feeling if I had to drop her off at a daycare where you really don't know the level of supervision. I do understand that for most people daycare is the only option. My anxiousness doesn't primarily come from leaving Hailey with family, it comes from not being there when she's crying, laughing, talking, moving, and sleeping. What if she forgets my voice? What if she would rather go to them than me? Did I make enough impact in these last twelve weeks for her to know who I am? I'm her mom, I should be the one doing everything. These questions and feelings may sound crazy, but I'm being honest. For the mother's who feel like this and have to deal with similar situations, how do you manage? I'm assuming you just go on living life. I remember while I was pregnant thinking how easy it will be to go back to work. However, I never knew I could love someone as much as I do. Deep down I know that I will be okay, it's just getting over that "hump" and feeling good about my new normal.